Chapter Nine Final Excerpt From "Hard Things & Humour" by Leah Marguerite

Grief is one of the hardest things most of us will have to go through in our lifetimes. It can be our downfall or our grace. It can destroy us, or create us. I believe the losses I've suffered have helped to create the best possible version of myself, and for that, I am forever grateful. Please enjoy the final excerpt from "Hard Things & Humour". I write this to you.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

I can't believe he's gone. We’re at Sandy's right now. We've brought the kids and we're going to stay with her here as long as we need to. Joe's brother and his wife and kids are coming today from Saskatchewan. I care for both, but I also know that Trent is arrogant and has nothing to say to me when no one else is around. Melissa is judgemental and gossips about me to our friends. Oh well, my heart aches for what they've lost too, and their four, beautiful children that no longer have their special Papa.

Sandy is inconsolable. She and Joe are drinking already and it's still morning. Nothing matters anymore with regard to social graces or constraints. They are both trying to numb their feelings. The kids don't understand, though I'm sure they know something awful has happened. But they're just kids, and they still want to play with grandma. They want their dad to pick them up. Joe and Sandy aren’t capable of this right now. They both seem unable to cope with the high, squeaky voices, the cries, and the girls’ needs, so I try and keep the kids occupied and away from them. We are all in shock. I repeatedly swallow my tears down into the hard, heavy pit in my stomach. I'm trying to stay strong for them. I keep scooping up the broken pieces of my heart so I can give them love and support, and when no one is looking, it crumbles again. That feeling that something bad was going to happen, the one I've carried for months like an unwanted parasite, has vanished. In its wake is unimaginable grief.

I don't understand why I would have this feeling. Why would I be given this ambiguous hint with no way to stop it? Nothing concrete to tell me what I needed to do to change the course of events. I find myself obsessively fantasizing about what I could have done, how I could have stopped him from staying at the shop, or from using that jack. I wish I could go back in time, but every time I travel there in my mind, I know that there is no way to stop it. I know if I had told Gord not to change the filter himself, or if I had warned him of the danger, he would have laughed and shrugged it off and done it anyway. Or if I had somehow distracted him on that fateful day so that he couldn't go to the shop, maybe it would still have happened differently. I live inside this fantasy just to cope. I comfort myself imagining everything playing out differently, and Gord is still standing right here.

Leah Marguerite