Flux & Flow: Excerpt One, Chapter One From "Hard Things & Humour" by Leah Marguerite

Hello friends, I am ready to share an excerpt from my first book of three in my memoir, "Hard Things & Humour". This novel is comprised of journal entries, first person, and omniscient points of view. I hope you all enjoy it, and if you have any questions or input I would love to hear it. I write this to you.

Chapter One

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I write this to you.

With every word I gently

Lay down to rest

On this page,

Is in hopes

That your eyes

Will come to caress them

At some later date.

If I stir emotion in you

Then I must be real,

For whatever I am

Is whatever you feel.

---

Monday, January 6, 2014

There are times when I feel like I am everything. I twinkle with the stars. I soar like the birds. I flow as the water flows. I am all. I am effortless. Meaningful grace seems to thrive within all I touch, all I see, and all I do. The colours I see are brighter, the food I taste is more delicious, and the passion, more intense. All that is alive has been amplified to degrees, as have I. An amazing realness envelops me and fills me overfull with understanding, connectedness, and peace. When I communicate with another person, I can feel their heart. I am calm and compassionate, and sure. I can see so clearly, and life is beautiful, even the sad bits.

Then there are the other times when I am obtuse. I am in discord. I am other than all. Everything before me seems to challenge my entire spirit, and the weight of the loss of the deep understanding I previously experienced deadens my emotions and leaves me weak and confused. All colours are dull, and nothing can seem to lessen my melancholy. I am encompassed by great sadness, disappointment, frustration, and anger. People confuse me and leave me feeling less than I am. I feel like a wounded animal, hurt and ready to fight. It’s not so much that I am purposely fighting the flow; I just can’t locate its pulse.

In these other times, I must choose over and again to remember when I’ve felt the light of the sun glowing within my heart. I must remember when the grace in my spirit carried me through the day like a dance. I must remember when love has become me and made me an overflowing chalice. I know so well that to remember these things will beckon their return, and the darkness will ebb and retreat into the void from which it came. If I can hold on, just long enough, I and my entire realm of experience will return to good. This sounds so simple, so logical. The worst part of the dark is that it renders you senseless. It can be so overpowering that I cannot see the beauty in the stars. I do not lift my head to share in the flight. I am stagnant and rigid and cold.

There has been a flux and a flow between the two worlds my entire existence. I've felt myself being pulled from one to the other more times than I could count. Sometimes a confrontation, a series of frustrations, worries, or major stress has caused my inner light to waiver. Other times thoughts of the past have pulled me straight out of a good day and filled my heart with lead. Joy does not cross my threshold. The intensity of the loneliness I feel in this place I would never wish to visit, is terrifying and suffocating. My mind races and worries over every hurt and sadness I’ve lived, and it feels as though each scar my soul has wearied is opened and bleeds fresh once more. Every tear I’ve ever cried flows through my eyes again on days like these. I dissect myself and feel shame for every mistake I’ve ever made. Everything around me and in me seems to scream- ‘You are nothing! You are worthless! You are all wrong!’ I could lie down. I could make excuses for not going to work or participating in life. I guess I don’t have that gene, so every day I get up. Even when grief has fallen over my head like a black chiffon scarf. Even when I find myself in the bathroom tear-soaked and listless, I come out.

I do this with a kind of hope that remains, even when it seems so absent from my mind and heart. Hope is hiding somewhere deep inside my bones, my DNA. The day comes when I rise in the morning to find that all things once again seem to be filled with spirit. I’m thankful for everything and everyone, and I’m so overcome with pure love, that I know I’m a part of something. I am part of something bigger than myself. I believe that God, the angels, and mother earth made all of us, but these are the moments when I can actually feel it. Gratitude bows my head in humility.

I’ve begun to accept this cycle as my own. Even though I feel no sense of being in rhythm with the rest of creation on the dark days, I’ve started to accept that both parts of me are my song. I am darkness, and I am light. In nature and all things there exist both, and I’ve found it is of utter importance to hold a place between the two. In nature and in all things the balance is ever-changing and repositioning, as it is within me. On difficult days, I try to stop and just breathe and hope that this may help usher in the light.

Life is full of patterns, and I am an observer of these patterns, changes, and shifts. These cycles I find within, and without. I see them happen deep within my spirit, and I observe them in nature. I feel them hidden in others and sense them in all humanity. I try to remember these subtle seasons amidst the chaos of my day-to-day domesticity, so that I may remain calm when the storm comes rolling in. I remember that change is the only constant, and I will hold on until the calm returns. I can imagine this to be something like riding out a storm in the center of the ocean. I can imagine the roller coaster-like drops, and the giddy disorientation of being thrown over the apex of the next swell, to be akin to the emotions we experience during our lives. The rhythm of the dips and swells is ever-shifting, ever-changing. If I let go, even just a little, and expect nothing but to be surprised, it’s not all that bad. It’s even kind of fun.